After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
