he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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