420 ftw
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Randomize
