This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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