He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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