just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
