There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
