Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
