I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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