After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
