i already hear my dad disowning me
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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