I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
