Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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