I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
