Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
