I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
