Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
