after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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