I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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