just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
