im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
