shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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