Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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