I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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