My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize
