I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
