My friends, they love my intelligence
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
