Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize