I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
