At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
COCAINE IS GR8
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
