I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
