Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
