i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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