i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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