Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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