I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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