we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
