Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
