I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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