i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
