i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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