I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
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