you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
