Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
