there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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