the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
