I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
