I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
