tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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