sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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