This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
