look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize