The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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