Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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