so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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