He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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