1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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