There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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